They’re just a bunch of bean pushers

I heard this one on an Allstate tv commercial about 20 years ago.  A customer was referring to the insurance adjuster, saying, “They really are kind and considerate.  They’re not just a bunch of bean pushers.”  This is a blend of “bean counters” (persons just interested in  the numbers of an issue) and “pencil pushers” ( persons just doing menial tasks).


That really burns my goat!

It appears this is a mash up of “gets my goat’ (annoys me) and “burns me up” (makes me mad).  Both idioms have similar meanings and are both three sentences long.  I can guarantee that no animals were hurt or killed in the course of using this malaphor.


Jump on the band rail

“Jump on the bandwagon” (to voluntarily participate in something) is what the speaker meant to say, but apparently was derailed in his thinking and confused his train of thought.  As “my ol pal” points out, years ago politicians (e.g Truman) used to have whistle-stop campaigns where the candidate would ride aboard a special train & make stops in various places so that the public could see them, hoping that the voters would “jump on their bandwagon.”  So, perhpas the phrase “riding the rails” (hobos getting free rides on the trains) was probably the source of the confusion, with the speaker thinking about railroads instead of wagons, both forms of transportation.  Finally, to “jump the rails” (train goes off the track) might be the missing idiom as it contains the word “jump” even though the thought is opposite to jump ON the bandwagon.  The subconscious is indeed a mystery….


Nailed the issue to the floor

This one perhaps combines  “nail down”  or “nailed it” (get it right) and “take the floor” (one’s turn to speak).  On the other hand, perhaps “wipe someone off the floor” (beat someone up) could have been part of the equation?  The context in which I heard it was someone saying that the person really was accurate, as in they “nailed it”.   “Nailed the landing on the floor” (gymnastics) seems the closest, though Martin Luther’s nailing of the 95 Theses to the church door could have been swirling in this person’s subconscious.  Free association is such a personal thing, don’t you agree?


Treat him with golden gloves

This is another of “the master’s”, and I have had difficulty figuring out his genius on this one.  Obviously he was trying to say “treat with kid gloves” (deal with someone very gently) but what is the other phrase or idiom?  Immediately what comes to mind is “golden gloves” (name for amateur boxing competition) but what about “golden handshake” (excellent severance package) or “good as gold” (well-behaved)?  I think the best possibility is “golden touch” (a person successful in everything he tries) as “touch” refers to “hands” or in this case “gloves”.  Or maybe I am just over analyzing….


Rule with an iron thumb

I heard this gem from” the master” as he described our boss: “You know, she rules with an iron thumb.”  This is a mash-up of “rule with an iron hand” (harsh leadership) and “under my thumb” (controlling someone).  Both phrases have similar meanings and both contain a similar body part so the mix-up is obvious.  Of course, “the master” also enjoyed The Rolling Stones so it is possible that the song “Under My Thumb” played a little part in his twisted but ingenious mind.  “My ol pal ” noted that “rule of thumb” (a general principle based on experiment) was also probably on ‘the master’s” mind and I agree.  This idiom has the words rule and thumb, so those words were swirling in his head for sure.


Green behind the ears

This is a blend of “green with envy” (jealous) and “wet behind the ears” (novice, inexperienced).  I first heard this one back in 1984, and for some reason it seems to be a fairly common one.   Even President Obama said it during the 2008 Obama/McCain debates – see my Malaphors in the Media section on this website to watch him.  My guess on the mix up stems from the words green and wet, both adjectives for grass.

Perhaps a better interpretation comes from “my ol pal” in her comments.   “Green behind the gills” (nauseated) might be the blended idiom with “wet behind the ears” given that gills and ears are in close proximity and that the words “around” and “behind” both indicate location and are also both 6 letter words.  Let’s add to the equation “greenhorn” which means naive or new to the situation, identical to the definition of “wet behind the ears.”  Not sure what I would do without you, “my ol pal”.


Catch this in the bud

This malaphor of course involves the idiom “nip it in the bud” (preventing something bad from happening), but what is the other idiom being blended?  At first blush it would seem to be  “catch this” (seeing or listening to something) but I suspect the speaker mixed “the early bird catches the worm” (success comes to the earliest) with “nip it in the bud” as they both describe preemptive or proactive actions.


I don’t want to be held up in a glass jar

For those who are following, we know by now that “the master” works in mysterious ways.  This utterance seems to be a confluence of many idioms and metaphors.  Perhaps he was trying to say “people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” (don’t criticize someone’s fault when you also have it)  yet it appears he is talking about himself.   With the introduction of the word “jar”, he may have been thinking “hands caught in the cookie jar” (caught doing something wrong) or maybe thinking “glass jaw” (weak jaw).  He also could have been thinking about the “glass ceiling” (barrier that keeps women and minorities from reaching the top rungs of the corporate ladder) as that expression was born around the time he made this comment.  Who knows?  All I know is that it is a great malaphor, mixing a variety of idioms to produce an utterly incoherent statement.

My “ol pal” theorizes that “the master” was probably thinking specimen jars as they contain a host of things – insects, fetuses, etc.  He was trying to say that he did not want to be scrutinized essentially.  I think my “ol pal” is right on this one.


He looks down in the tooth

This is a mash-up of “down in the mouth” (gloomy, depressed) and “long in the tooth” (old, past his/her prime).  The confusion here is pretty clear: teeth are in the mouth and the words “down” and “long” are four letter words.  What I can’t recall is whether the speaker was referring to a person who seemed older or more depressed.  Or maybe both as they go hand in hand??