Backseat quarterback

The speaker was telling his wife that he knows she doesn’t like him to be a “backseat quarterback”. This is a congruent conflation of “backseat driver” and “armchair quarterback”, both referring to someone who is eager to give advice without responsibility. A chair has a seat so this might have contributed to the mental hiccup. This also might be a nice description of all those QBs who sit on the sidelines waiting for the starter to leave the game.

A big thanks to Chuck Hatsis who blurted this one out and then passed it on to Malaphor Central. Thanks Chuck!

Don’t open a nest of worms

This beauty was often uttered by a Judge, says the contributor. It is a nice congruent conflation of “hornet’s nest” and “a can of worms”, both describing a complex, difficult problem or situation. “A can of worms” seems to be a phrase often jumbled, as there are other variations of this theme posted here previously. E.g. https://malaphors.com/2016/04/25/i-dont-want-to-open-up-that-hill-of-worms/ https://malaphors.com/2013/10/12/thatll-be-a-kettle-of-worms/ https://malaphors.com/2012/12/18/thats-a-real-ball-of-worms/ https://malaphors.com/2015/04/10/lets-not-open-up-that-can-of-bees/

A big thanks to Aileen Bowers for sharing this one.

2021 Malaphor of the Year!!

It’s now time to reveal this year’s Malaphor of the Year.  But before I unveil this masterpiece, here are the winners of past years:

2015 – I have a pulse to the ground (submitted by Paula Garrety)

2016 – Let’s give them a round of hand! (submitted by Martin Pietrucha)

2017 – Welcome to my shoes (submitted by Steve Kovacs)

2018 – Whatever turns your boat (submitted by John Kooser)

2019 – My old car shit the bucket (submitted by John Fischer)

2020 – You’re a one-horse pony (submitted by Bruce Ryan and Ron MacDonald)

Before I reveal the winner, I want to give a shout out to the runners-up:

I was out like a rock (August 2021 – submitted by Joanne Grieme). A nice congruent conflation of out like a light and slept like a rock.

Republicans didn’t blink twice (January 2021 – submitted by Barry Eigen). Subtle mashup.

When the shit hit the storm (January 2021 – submitted by Jack Chandler). Howard Stern describing January 6.

A yankering (May 2021 – submitted by Barry Eigen). A great word blend malaphor of yen and hankering.

But the winner this year was submitted by the prolific malaphor contributor, Frank King, when he spotted this beauty on 60 Minutes:

The new President says he wants to turn over a new page

Lesley Stahl on 60 Minutes said this one, referring to Biden’s plans. This is a nice congruent conflation of “turn over a new leaf” and “turn the page”, both meaning to make a fresh start or start anew. This one makes a lot of sense as the “leaf” in the expression “turn over a new leaf” refers to a page in a book. Or a Clinton freudian slip? Happy New Year everyone!

I don’t want to stir any more feathers

During a conference call, the speaker said this because she was apparently causing some issues. It’s a congruent conflation of “stir the pot” and “ruffle some feathers”, both meaning to further irritate or annoy someone or something. A big thank you to Naomi David for another malaphor mishap and to Katie Norwood for sending it in.

I stuck my ground

On the CBS Sunday Morning show last Sunday (12/19/21) soon to be retired National Institute of Health head, Francis Collins, talked about an opinion he held, which then President Trump didn’t care for. Trump tried to dissuade him but, as he said, “I stuck my ground” (see: https://www.cbsnews.com/video/retiring-nih-director-dr-francis-collins/#x; around the 2:23 mark).  This is a congruent conflation of “stuck to my guns” and “stood my ground”, both meaning to refuse to compromise despite criticism. Perhaps Dr. Collins thought the past tense of “stand” is “stuck”. That’s certainly where the confusion lies in this nice malaphor. A big thanks to Martin Pietrucha who heard this one and passed it on.

That’s a blaring red siren

Rachel Maddow uttered this one on her podcast the other night. It is a congruent conflation of “a big red flag” and “sirens blaring”, both meaning warning signs. Sirens aren’t red, Rachel.

Here’s the link to the podcast (malaphor heard at 6:35 minute mark):

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-rachel-maddow-show/id294055449?i=1000545340599

A big thanks to Frank King who heard this one and sent it in.

The cookies will come home to roost

This one is apt for the holidays. An old Headmaster at an English secondary school was addressing the boys regarding hair length and poor behavior. He then uttered the immortal line, “… and if this rule is not abided by, then the cookies will come home to roost, that I promise!” This is a mashup of “the chickens come home to roost” (one’s previous actions are about to have consequences for oneself) and “that’s the way the cookie crumbles” (there is nothing we can do about the way things have unfolded). He might also have been thinking that some of the boys were “tough cookies” (strong, determined person not easily intimidated). Then again, he might have been thinking of cooking a chicken for that evening’s dinner. A big thanks to James Aidan Coen for sending this one in!

I smoked the water

Someone was bragging about how well he did in a competition. This is a congruent conflation of “smoked it” and “blew it out of the water”, both meaning to perform extremely well in something. Perhaps the speaker was also thinking of Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water”, and/or his old water pipe. A big thanks to “happyquack” for sending this one in.

I am up against the gun

This one was heard on a conference call. The speaker was talking about a short deadline to get something accomplished. It is a congruent conflation of “up against the wall” and “under the gun”, both describing a difficult situation where there is pressure to act. The confusion seems to lie with the prepositions “up” and “under”. Preposition mixups are common in the malaphor world. Check my website and/or books for more on this phenomenon.

A tip of the hat to Mike Kovacs for hearing this one!

My hot water works on a dime

This beauty was found on a facebook post:

It is a nice mashup of “works like a charm” (works very well) and “turns on a dime” (to turn very quickly or to change opinion abruptly). “On a dime” refers to agile precision, so it is close to a congruent conflation with both phrases referring to something working very well. As Tate Young says, with inflation the phrase now might be ‘works on a quarter”. A big thank you to Jenny Hensley for spotting this excellent malaphor and sending it in.