I don’t give a rat’s crap

This malaphor was spotted on the website crooksandliars.com. Mark Burns, a pastor supporting Donald Trump, called Laura Coates, a CNN legal analyst, a “true slave master” and then said he didn’t care who that offended, remarking that “I don’t give a rat’s crap”:

https://crooksandliars.com/2024/02/trump-pastor-calls-laura-coates-true-slave

This is a congruent conflation of “I don’t give a crap” and “I don’t give a rat’s ass”, both meaning to care very little for something. Perhaps combining these two idioms REALLY means you could care less. A big thanks to Ron MacDonald for spotting this one and sending it in.

Nobody wants to be in my pants right now

This beauty was noted in an article in The Athletic. Twenty years ago, after blowing the lead in a critical playoff game for the Minnesota Twins (https://theathletic.com/mlb/team/twins/), Juan Rincón described how he felt (https://nypost.com/2004/10/10/rincon-sets-up-doom/): “Nobody wants to be in my pants right now.” This is a mashup of “wear the pants” (being in charge or in control, usually of a family or household) and “be in (someone’s) shoes” (to share a particular experience with someone else). As my friend Mark Green said, “what a jock”. A tip of the cap to Martin Pietrucha for spotting this one and sending it in!

Slunched

A couple were watching the Netflix show Griselda, and noticed how Sofia Vergara’s character had a posture that always looked “slunched”. This is a word blend malaphor of “slouched” (standing or sitting in a lazy, drooping way) and “hunched” (bending the top of one’s body forward). Single word blend malaphors are unconscious blends of words to make an unintentional new word. The word sounds or looks correct at first blush, but then on closer examination is incorrect. Examples on this website include “Buckminster Palace” (Buckingham and Westminster, and/or possibly Buckminster Fuller) and “split-minute decision” (split second and last minute). “Wegners” is a recent one (Wegmans and Redner’s, both grocery stores), uttered by Dr. Oz in the last Pennsylvania Senate race.

A big thanks to Kristen Assi for unintentionally saying this one and Anthony Kovacs for sending it in!

They’re like a fish up a tree

This malaphor was found in an article in The Athletic about why professional soccer players can’t strike the ball with both feet:

“Even at the top level, you can see players who are so uncomfortable on their wrong foot that it’s comical,” Zamora says.. “I’m talking about elite players, internationals – you put it onto their wrong foot and they’re like a fish up a tree.”

This is a mashup of “up a tree” (troublesome situation) and “a fish out of water” (one who does not feel comfortable in a new environment). Both idioms fit what the writer is trying to say, and the combo speaks for itself. Certainly a fish up a tree is in trouble AND uncomfortable. Kudos to Martin Pietrucha for spotting this one and sending it in!

It’s Clara Nightingale Syndrome

Last week I posted an intentional malaphor from the Rick and Morty show, breaking a malaphor rule that the mashup has to have been uttered or written unintentionally. Since I broke that rule, I figured I would break it again with this classic from Seinfeld. George mixes Florence Nightingale and Clara Barton, with Jerry saying of Clara Barton, “I think she was nice.” Here’s the clip:

You were right on the dime

Chris Matthews  was talking to the Morning Joe crowd on MSNBC (2/14/24 show at 9:16 a.m) and said, “I watched and you were right on the dime.” He later said “right on the money” a few moments later. This is a mashup of “right on the money” (exact, precise) and “turn/stop on a dime” (quickly, suddenly). A dime is money and so probably confused Mr. Matthews. By the way, Chris has uttered many malaphors over the years, and features prominently in my book, “Things are Not Rosy-Dory: Malaphors from Politicians and Pundits”. You can get it on Amazon by clicking here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08C7GGMG5?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

A big thanks to Bruce Ryan for hearing this one and promptly sending it in.

He is exerting his thumb

On the Andrea Mitchell Reports show on MSNBC, Mitchell asked United States Senator Michael Bennet (D-CO) whether he thought Trump was exerting pressure on Republican senators regarding the bipartisan border bill. Senator Bennet, probably already thinking of Mitchell’s “exerting pressure” words, responded that he thought Trump was “exerting his thumb” to change the mind of Mitch McConnell. This is a mashup of “exerting pressure/influence” (producing a desired effect) and “under (one’s) thumb” (under another’s control). Definitely not twiddling his thumbs. Props to Beatrice Zablocki (“my ol’ pal”) for hearing this one and sending it in!

You have to thread a pretty narrow window

Andy Blocker, global head of public policy at Invesco, was talking to Tyler Matheson on CNBC’s “The Exchange” about immigration policy.  This is a mashup of “thread the needle” (skillfully navigate through a tough dilemma) and “window of opportunity” (short or limited amount of time to accomplish something). Both refer to something short or narrow, probably contributing to the mixup. A big thanks to John Hatfield for hearing this one and sending it in.

Don’t jump a gift shark in the mouth

Yes, I have said malaphors must be unintentional, but I am breaking that rule here to post a funny, intentional one courtesy of Rick and Morty, Season 3, episode 9, The ABCs of Beth”. This is a mashup of “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” (if you receive a gift, do so graciously) and “jump the shark” (in television programming, using an obvious gimmick to maintain viewership; no longer relevant). I devoted a chapter to intentional malaphors from the tv show “The Sopranos”, in my book “He Smokes Like a Fish and other Malaphors”. Check it out! https://www.amazon.com/dp/0692652205

A big thanks to Barry Eigen for spotting this one and sending it in.

They could have handled the hand better

This was uttered by Bill Maher on his February 2 show. He was talking about Presidents that inherit a bad situation from the previous administration. This is a mashup of “handle the situation” (deal with or have responsibility for) and “play the hand you’re dealt” (accept and make the most of the current situation or circumstances). ”Hands” are everywhere! A big thanks to chief malaphor contributor Mike Kovacs for hearing this one and sending it in.